doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
