ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
babies were throwing up all over the place
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
