i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
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look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
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okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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