Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
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Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
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So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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