This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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