totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
