I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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