if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
