hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
