Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
