What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
