i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
