He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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