Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
