The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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