I'm so fucking centered right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Randomize
