I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
