Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
