Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Still dying that you shit outside
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
