Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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