first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
