I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
