Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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