All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
