So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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