In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
