So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
