I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm like, not good at living.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
