2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Randomize
