all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she peed on how many people?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
