All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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