Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She bit a glass in half.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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