im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
