did you get engaged???
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
