if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
