So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
