hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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