Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Two words: blizzard sex
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
