If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
