Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
