my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
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I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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