Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
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I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
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Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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