She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
