Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
3 2 1 whiskey
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
