i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
