batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
