he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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