You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
