I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
