Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
