the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
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Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
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Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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