i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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