I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
