How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
