eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
