I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
