Already got asked if we're dating
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
