when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
