i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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